What Did She Say

My mind is always open

No longer looming

Posted by jackiyo 32 Comments

We did it.

We told the kids.

Credit: http://www.legaljuice.com/2011/12/post_332.html

It wasn’t easy. On any of us. But it’s done. The kids know that Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be married anymore.

Our kids are 4 and 7, so we spoke in pretty basic terms.

We started out by telling them again how much Mommy loves them. How much Daddy loves them. And that the love a Mommy or Daddy has for a child can never, ever change.

“Ya. We know that,” was the response.

My daughter knew something was up. She had a nervous smirk on her face. Waiting for what was coming. Not knowing if it was good or bad.

We came right out and told them there would be some changes. That Mommy and Daddy no longer want to be married to each other. That we still like each other and are friends, but aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore.

“Will it be like Monica’s*?” my daughter asked.

“Does Monica live at her Mommy’s sometimes and her Daddy’s sometimes?” I asked.

She nodded her head yes.

“It won’t be like that, sweetie,” I told her. “You and your brother are going to stay here in this house, where your bedrooms are and your books and toys.”

My daughter was snuggled under a blanket for comfort and my son, my little sensitive son, was starting to well up a bit.

“You know how Mommy and Daddy aren’t really here at the same time anyway? Mommy works some nights and Daddy works some nights?”

My daughter and son nodded their heads.

“Well, the nights that Mommy works until after bedtime anyway are the nights Mommy will sleep somewhere else. And the nights that Daddy isn’t home until after bedtime are the nights Daddy will sleep somewhere else. So that won’t change much for you guys.”

This is the point where my son climbed on my lap and grasped his Daddy’s shirt. “No! Stay together. Don’t go somewhere else. Stay here. Stay together!”

I just put my arms around my son and let him snuggle as he tried to process what he was being told.

My daughter put the blanket up over her head to shield her from what was happening just on the other side of the fleece, trying to go back in time, I’m sure.

I held my son for a little bit, then he started fiddling and hitting the remote that was sitting next to us.

“It seems like you have some pretty big feelings right now.”

He nods.

“That’s ok. Do you feel like hitting something right now?”

He nods.

“Well, let’s go up to your room and you can hit your pillows.”

“Ok,” he says as he gets down from my lap to head to his room.

“Do you want Mommy to come with you?”

He nods.

I get up and give my daughter, who is still under the blanket, a kiss.

We head up to his room. He climbs on his bed. But doesn’t hit his pillow. Instead he curls up and lays down. I lay down beside him. It was time to lay there. Together. Looking at each other. Taking comfort in each other.

I eventually asked him if he was getting hungry. He nodded yes.

We went back downstairs. My daughter had poked her head out from the blanket and was interacting with her Daddy.

I asked her if she was ready for dinner yet.

She shook her head no and climbed on my lap.

We took some time just to cuddle before we headed out.

Then we took the two of them out for dinner. We let them each order a fancy drink – a drink with three cherries, each a different colour, and an orange slice.

And we had dinner as a family. And we reminded them it’s ok to feel whatever they are feeling. And it’s ok to talk about this whenever they want and ask whatever they want.

We told them Grandma and Grandpa and Nana and Grandpa all know, so they can talk to them about all this if they want to, as well.

Part way through dinner my daughter said her tummy hurt. I said it could be from the big feelings. That sometimes our bodies react with tummy aches or other things when we have big things to deal with.

They are now tucked into their beds. I hope they have sweet dreams tonight.

And I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

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32 Responses so far.

  1. […] talk was different from the “mommy and daddy aren’t going to be married anymore” talk – although it had the same air about it. The four of us sat on the couch and chair (not the […]

  2. […] This one is about this kids again. I wrote about how telling our kids about the divorce was looming. I wrote about telling the kids about our separation and how that went down. […]

  3. […] been doing ok with all this. This process of emerging from numb. Experiencing colour again. Telling the kids their world is changing. Being strong for […]

  4. […] post is more about how I intend to tie my related posts […]

  5. […] still haven’t really cried since we told the kids and I wrote two posts about it. I’ve started to cry, but I’ve always stopped […]

  6. Sharon says:

    You are so brave and handled this amazingly. Big hugs to you, sistah.

  7. Wendy says:

    Big Hugs to you!! I can only imagine how difficult this must have been for you, yet it sounds like you handled it with great strength, maturity and responsibility. Good for you, however if you need to let it all out and have a good cry, I’ve got a box of tissues to share. You know this brought tears to my eyes, plus if you need it, I do still owe you a drink.

  8. jackiyo says:

    Thank you all for your comments. Your support helps keep me afloat. I appreciate each and every one of you.

  9. James Howe says:

    Hey there Jacki! I’m sorry to hear the news but it does sound like you made the best decision for all involved. Sounds like you both handled it as well as possible which will help the kids handle the new reality. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.

  10. Pam @writewrds says:

    This must have been painful, but your wee boy and girl are very fortunate to have such wise and kind and loving parents. You handled this so beautifully. Kudos, mom. Best wishes for happy tomorrows.
    And hugs.

  11. Good luck with everything, Jacki. It sounds like you guys are dedicated to putting the well-being of your kids first, so kudos to you for that. Hope things continue to go smoothly.

  12. Alex says:

    Oh, Jacki. I don’t have personal experience with divorce, but you’re a great person and a wonderful mom and THAT is what the kids will remember. Wish I could give you a big ole hug right now.

  13. Thinking of you turning the page + beginning the next brand new chapter. I’m sad that it had to happen but I know you’ll make it right. Go Gurl…. the universe is waiting for you!

  14. Brendan says:

    Touching read Jacki, my heart goes out to you and your family.

    As a child of a divorce I know it can be hard on the kids, but sounds like you’ve got the right approach and it’ll be an adjustment period for everyone.

    My thoughts are with you.

  15. Steve Kubien says:

    I was thinking of you last night. Worried. Concerned. I’m sorry I couldn’t be around with a shoulder to offer but I was overnighting at a sleep clinic with no Internet connection. From where I sit, it sounds like you handled this as well as possible. Good luck and hugs over the next few weeks. Keep a close eye on them.

    See you Wednesday at the Schwaben?

  16. Amber says:

    You are an amazingly strong woman Jackie. Your children are lucky to have you and although it’s not the easiest situation you are dealing with it in a way that will teach them to deal with life with courage and grace. I wish you and your family all the best.

  17. heather says:

    I’m so proud of both of you. What a beautiful way you have put the kids first. Wishing you all a smooth transition to this new “normal”…the kids will be alright. you done good. xoxox

  18. marci says:

    Jacki – you are incredible and strong, it’s not easy, of course, but I know you guys will be ok in time! Thinking of you and your family tonight πŸ˜‰

  19. Lindsey says:

    Nicely done. Must have been so hard. Hugs.

  20. Hugs to you and your kids. This can’t be easy for any of you!

  21. Ana says:

    I’m thinking of you today as I have alot to look forward to as I may be in the future going in the same direction…..My biggest fear is what will happen to how my children feel about us. Families change all the time but I wasn’t ready to think about what it could be without mommy and daddy together. I guess it’s everyone’s plan that when we marry the person we hope they will be our life mate that it will last a lifetime…..We certainly see it doesn’t always feel that way. Thank you for posting this and I had a few tears thinking about your little ones who have alot of big feelings to get through but I know how you handled it probably made it alot easier on them as a whole!!! Always hope for the best!!!

  22. Ann B (annbac9) says:

    Hugs to you and your family. You are such a strong woman and great mother.
    xo
    Ann

  23. Wendy says:

    Wow. Powerful stuff. Warm thoughts to you and your family.

  24. Kate says:

    Wonderfully done. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I don’t really remember much about it, if that helps.

    Keep them talking about it, it can only help.

    x

    • jackiyo says:

      It does make me a little sad they won’t remember when Mommy and Daddy were happy together. They were so little. But it is amicable and we’ll be friends. It will become their new norm.

      • Kate says:

        Yeah, that’s understandable but it’s better that they don’t think of you as being miserable together, too.

        Good luck.

        x


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