I have no idea where this post is headed or if it will even make much sense, but there’s something in my head that needs to come out – and out it shall come.
Many of you already know. Some may not. For those who don’t know, my husband of 10 years and I are splitting up. It’s been a long time coming and we finally made the decision on New Year’s Day. We had scheduled “the talk” for when the kids were away. And we were both on the same page. It was time to move on.
For a long time I thought staying together for the sake of the kids was the right thing to do, but there came a point that I realized staying together was, in my opinion, doing more harm to them than splitting up will. The lesser of two evils, if you will. And our kids need happy parents. And happy parents they did not have. I didn’t realize how grey my existence had become. I got used to it. I had resigned myself to the fact that grey was going to be the rest of my life.
But that changed. I may blog about it. I may not. But this post is not about the decision to split, or what happened before, or what has happened after.
This post is about the thing that is consuming me. That moment that has been looming. That moment that is almost here. And as I type this, my heart is in my throat. My stomach is in knots. My eyes are welling up.
This post is about telling the kids.
We haven’t told the kids yet. They are four and seven. They don’t understand adult love or how love could possibly change.
We haven’t told them yet because how do you say to a four and seven year old that Mommy and Daddy aren’t together anymore, but are still living together for now.
We have to tell them soon because the living arrangements are about to change.
Here’s what my husband and I have come up with as the best-for-now solution.
The kids will stay in the house. They will stay in the safety and security of their bedrooms. And Mommy and Daddy will switch out. Mommy will live here half the time and Daddy will live here half the time. And we will each have our own “crash pad” when we’re not here at the house.
I’ve heard many an opinion on this arrangement.
But, it is what it is. And this is what my husband and I have decided to do.
So now, with this change coming, we need to tell the kids.
Oh god, how do we tell the kids?
How do we tell our sweet, innocent kids their world is about to be shattered?
They’re both sleeping soundly right now. Safe. Secure. Warm. Cozy.
It makes me physically ill to think in a few short days the rug will be pulled out from underneath them.
It kills me.
How will I look my two beautiful, trusting kids in the eye and tell them I won’t be here every single morning anymore. I won’t always be here to tuck them in at night.
Being only a phone call way seems like such a shitty reassurance. The thought of them having to CALL Mommy when they’re scared and just want to be in my arms is gut-wrenching.
Will they ever recover from this? Is this going to scar them forever?
I truly believe staying in a cold marriage would be worse for them or I’d be doing it. As a good friend said to me, “Is your relationship the kind you want your kids to have when they grow up?” And the answer was an absolute no. Not at all. But that’s what they were being modeled. A Mommy and Daddy who don’t talk much at all, let alone touch. Not even a kiss hello or goodbye.
The funny thing is, my husband and I are getting along SO much better since we decided to split. I do truly believe we’ll be good friends. And we will always be bound together by our amazing children.
Our amazing children who are going to have their worlds rocked next week.
But really, not much will change. They will continue to live in this house. With their stuff. No shuffling back and forth. My husband and I are barely here at the same time as it is, so having just Mommy or just Daddy here won’t be that much out of the ordinary.
Not much will change.
But everything will change.
And I hope to god we do this right. That we say the right words. That give the right looks. That they know that the love Mommy has for each of them, the love that Daddy has for each of them, that’s not the kind of love that will ever, EVER change. I hope we can make them understand that even though Mommy and Daddy’s feelings changed for each other, that will never happen to them.
But how do we do that?
I just want to go curl up next to those blissfully sleeping babes and never let go.
This is the hardest part by far for me.
And this is why I come to my blog to pour my heart and head out. I can fall apart here, so I can be strong for my kids.