What Did She Say

My mind is always open

The Day 9 ( June 8 ) prompt in the #trust30 writing challenge was this:

“The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts and we are loath to disappoint them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says, “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

Here’s my ‘too scary’:

I’ve been struggling with my ‘too scary’ for a while now. (I actually have a couple of ‘too scaries’ but I’ll just focus on one for now.)

The reason I haven’t written about this topic too much is that it’s really not my story. It’s someone else’s. Actually, more than one “someone else”. There are too many people this story would affect. My parents don’t know about this blog (that I know of yet…) and this topic would affect them deeply. And I know once words are out there, they’re out. The words I want to write would make my mom sad and my dad would likely react angrily to my writing about it, as we don’t talk about this kind of thing – especially publicly.

So, my ‘too scary’ is kept quiet for fear of hurting those I love.

My ‘too scary’ is about my mom’s diagnosis and my feelings about that and what it’s done – and is doing – to us. To me.

She was slapped with a diagnosis of early on-set Alzheimer’s. She was in her fifties when this happened. FAR too young.

I know people try to share their stories and try to relate – and it’s not that I don’t sympathize and appreciate it – but their stories are usually about grandparents. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s the same. Watching a grandparent in his or her 70s or 80s is NOT the same as watching your mom in her 50s. It’s not. Not even close. Early on-set is much, much meaner. It attacks someone in his or her prime. Someone who was looking forward to retirement after working for almost three decades.

I can’t go into my true feelings and emotions here because it’s not just my story.

The pain it will cause if my parents read about it outweighs my need to write about it. For now.

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Categories: Home - Slideshow, Rant, trust30

6 Responses so far.

  1. That’s really tough for your family and hard on you, too, Jacki. I’m sorry. One of the many hard parts of such a heartbreaking diagnosis is how much it impacts family members including you, her daughter.
    Take care of yourself, okay? You’re in my thoughts.

  2. Troy Janisch says:

    The ‘Too Scary’ post was the hardest for me to write about — and when I did, I excluded it from my RSS feed for similar reasons. I don’t think its important to publish your thoughts and feelings for everyone to read about now — but I hope you can capture them for yourself. I find that writing things down REALLY helps me work through things — even my ‘Too Scary’ topic. Stay Strong!

    • jackiyo says:

      Thanks. Writing is definitely cathartic. I also find publishing part of my catharsis, though, too. I’ll have to find your “too scary” topic.

  3. Sharon says:

    My husband’s cousin is going through this with her mom, only it’s not early anymore. She too is young – in her 50’s and it’s heartbreaking to witness. She’ll be going into full time care soon and, well, really there are no words. My heart goes out to you Jacki.

    • Jacki says:

      The “early on-set” just refers to her age rather than the progression. She’ll always have early on-set.

      And you’re right. There are no words. I would like to write about it more, but there are too many hearts involved.

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