What Did She Say

My mind is always open

I don’t know when it started.

I don’t know why it started.

I just know it started. And it hasn’t stopped.

Maybe it started back in grade six when Jenny made fun of my running.

Maybe it started back in grade seven when I was told by my boyfriend (at age 12 are they really “boyfriends”?)Β  I needed to move my hips more when I danced and close my mouth more when I kissed. Or maybe it was because I knew Danny really wanted to be dating my best friend instead.

Maybe it started back in grade eight when I wasn’t chosen by the cool kid to be one of her roommates on our year-end class trip.

Maybe it started back in grade nine when one of the cool kids asked me out, but then promptly dumped me when he found out how unhip I actually was. Or maybe it was the fact I wouldn’t make out with him. Whatever it was, I distinctly remember being shunned by him at the ‘Dirty Dancing’ showing that night. There was a whole gang of us at the movie that night. He hadn’t broken up with me, he just ignored me. That was the end of our “relationship”.

By the end of grade nine the feeling was pretty entrenched. Dating whoever asked me out, without really thinking about whether I actually liked them or not. I was just happy to have someone want me. I would inevitably break his heart. I broke a lot of hearts in high school. I’m not sure why I didn’t realize I really didn’t want to go out with them, or sleep with them, for a few months into the relationship.

Honestly, one of the best “relationships” I had in high school was a guy I just slept with. We didn’t go out. We weren’t “boyfriend and girlfriend”. We just f*@&*%. We knew what we expected from each other. No more. It was nice to be desired. We got along really well, actually.

But, did that relationship feed the “not quite good enough” monster? Maybe I did wonder why that’s all I was good for. Who knows.

I had great grades for the first few years of high school. Then I realized, that’s not what society values. (And by society, I mean the minds of the youth that filled the hallways of my high school. Each of them just trying to figure out how to mean something, too.)

I was never in the cool crowd in high school. I was never really in any crowd. I floated. I was just “there”. At least, that’s my perception. I don’t think anyone ever aspired to be me.

I’m sure having a boyfriend that cheated on me at the tail end of high school didn’t help. Of course, it’s because I wasn’t enough, right? If I’d had more self-confidence I would have dumped his cheating ass and not spent the next four years on and off with him. (Yes, I got cheated on again. But, I cheated on him that same weekend. When we both came clean we realized our relationship was over. Ya think?!)

I don’t think I’ve ever, ever had a group where I’ve felt as if I was – or am – truly wanted. And what I mean by that is, where I’m missed when I’m not there. An integral member. Not an afterthought. Not invited because I *should* be, but because I’m wanted. Even when it’s family. How f*@%^$ up is that?

I still to this day always feel (at least a little bit) like I shouldn’t be there. That I’m not *really* wanted. That people are just being nice by “allowing” me to hang out with them.

I always have the “Does she really just want me to go away?” thing going on in my head. “Does she wish I hadn’t sat beside her?” “Does he wish he had waited before sitting down because now he wants to be somewhere else? Someone better came in.”

Even when I’m in the middle of a big crowd, I still feel as if I’m on the outside looking in. Never quite part of it.

This post is just an aimless meandering of my mind. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Or fix. Or do.

I don’t know when this feeling started, but I know it’s been there ever since.

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Categories: Home - Slideshow, Rant

14 Responses so far.

  1. Leslie says:

    Dear you, I know it’s been a while since ya posted this but I am bored and like to write to myself even if no one may read it… Anywho, I was wonderin what you was talking about when you where saying, “it started” i thought ‘it’ maybe your period. Then I realized you was talking of the classic human feeling we all get at one point or another, unless you are like human robot or zombie or somethin thereof o course,.. the human feeling is called needing verification and loneliness is part of it.. We as human beings have this innate need to have someone or something ‘back-up’ what we feel or who we are. Maybe for the pure comfort of not being alone, which is an actual primal response.. I think some people are just uncomfortable with their own senses unless it is validated by someone else. Problem is, we forget our own… Thus we spend our lives not living our own.. Next time your by yourself close your eyes, relax and let lv

  2. Laurie says:

    I get it…it’s torture.

  3. Sara says:

    Just to forewarn you, I have no idea where this comment is going, so…

    We all want to be wanted/needed/liked, I think it’s a girl/woman thing but does it really matter in the end? I joined club in high school because of my friends were in, I went to party because my friends were going, was it because I was not quite good enough? Definitely not!! It was fun to have company. That’s all. There is nothing wrong to float, or flow, as long as you don’t sink. Belong to a group/club can sometimes backfire, being labelled unfairly. There are givers and takers, carers and receivers. Friendship should be mutual, and you will know for sure whether it’s worthy after you give so much.

    Having watching you online and in real life, all I know is, Jacki you are much more than awesome, you are a huge giver. Please continue doing so.

  4. Kat says:

    Wow, this nearly brought me to tears…because it’s verbatim my story as well. I’ll never have the guts to write it out like you did, but wow…you nailed it. Just the other day, a girl at work asked for my number so we could hang out sometime and my first thought was “why, so you can prank call me while you and the cool girls are out without me? no thanks.” I’m twenty freaking seven and I still can’t walk into a room full of middle or high school girls without a wave of nausea hitting.

    Allegedly, we all grow out of it someday though. I’m clinging to that hope.

  5. @Jen_Banks says:

    You took this right out of my head. I swear. Going to Blissdom scared the F$*@ out of me because I’m worried I wont belong. Even online there are so many ‘groups’ of people who are ‘besties’ and I float around. Not having one or two that are always there. I’m worried I’ll be the one who doesn’t know how to cut in, how to be included. How not to say something so utterly stupid that I never live it down. I’m have a huge self esteem being a screen, but put in face to face and I’m quiet and shy. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Thank Yor for sharing.

    Oh, and if you see me in a corner this fall, quietly sipping my wine…Help. I promise I’ll do the same.

  6. Jenn says:

    You are apart of a group! I count you as a good friend!! And you WERE missed Saturday night!!!!! not that you missed much, but you were missed!
    I feel the same way sometimes – about not fitting in.
    Man oh man…. I think it’s every woman that has that thought!
    I hope you found comfort and release in writing this Jacki. Please know I’m only a tweet or email away. There’s also some thing called a phone you can use!! πŸ˜‰
    your friend,

  7. Tina says:

    Wow, I can relate to so much in this post, but what I do know now is how much our perception of the world, our friends, our family was affected by our teenage naivety and insecurity. Those “cool kids” probably felt the exact same way as you, and the boyfriends were probably intimidated. It’s a struggle when those feelings surface and affect our adult lives. Thank you for sharing, it was a very honest post that I’m sure will resonate with many. xx

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